Most people want to know what their partner enjoys — and most people find it awkward to say what they want. The good news: these conversations get easier with practice, and they're one of the most reliable ways to feel closer.
Pick the right moment
Big conversations about desire tend to go best outside the bedroom, when you're both relaxed and nobody feels put on the spot. A walk, a quiet evening on the sofa or a long drive can all work well.
Start with appreciation
Lead with what you already love. "I really love it when you…" makes it easier to add "…and I've been curious about trying…". It frames the conversation as building on something good rather than fixing something wrong.
Conversation starters
- "Is there anything you've been curious about but never mentioned?"
- "What's something that always makes you feel wanted?"
- "I read an article about trying toys together — what do you think?"
- "Would you like to do a fun quiz together?" — try our intimacy style quiz or the couples' toy quiz.
Try a yes / no / maybe list
Write down a list of things you might like to try — new positions, a blindfold, a toy, slower foreplay — and each mark them yes, no or maybe privately. Then compare. You'll discover overlaps without anyone having to say something first.
Listen well
- Stay curious, not defensive. A request isn't a criticism.
- Ask follow-up questions: "What do you like about that?"
- Respect a no — and a maybe. Neither needs justifying.
- Thank them for sharing. It takes courage.
Start small
Choose one easy thing to try first. A soft blindfold like the Velour Satin Sleep Mask, or a simple couples' toy like the Élan Vibrating Couples' Ring, are gentle first steps. Afterwards, talk about what you both enjoyed.
Keep the conversation going
Desire changes over time, so check in regularly — not just when something feels off. Our articles on consent and exploring together are great next reads, and The Duet Box is a curated starting point for couples.
